Day 181

Day At The Beach

The fresh air of the open sea
Sand crunching between my toes
A warm breeze tousling my hair
The hot sun browning my back

Day 180

Why Men Are Like Cats

Feed me
Rub my belly
Scratch my chin.
Poop.
Let me out
Let me in
Let me out.
Sex.
Hold me
Not that much
Let me go.
Poop.

Day 179

Admittedly, I did not write anything yesterday. It was a very long day, and I fell asleep on the couch before I even knew what hit me. So, here is my entry for Day 179.

Ode to Garage Sale

All year long
The boxes wait.
Everything's out
By the crack of 8.
People come,
People go.
Some say yes.
Some say no.
Make some money
Then pack away
All the boxes
For another day.

Day 178

Sweet Peaceful Rest

When the simplest of decisions
evade you.
Exhaustion.
When neither the mind nor body
are willing.
Exhaustion.
When all activities are preventing you
from sleeping.
Exhaustion.
When all life choices
are doubted.
Exhaustion.

Day 177

Another "Throwback Thursday" entry....


another time
falls behind.
that's the kind of life you'll find.
another day
fades away,
if that's the kind of game you play.
another dance
left to chance.
if you stay inside your trance.

Day 176

Brewing

Inside of me
are all the things
I need to say.
I only need to find
the perfect words
to make you
feel what I feel.

Day 175

Breaking

The next my heart breaks,
It will not break my soul.
Not because I'm numb.
Not because I'm bitter.
Not because I'm hardened.

The next time my heart breaks,
It will not break my soul.
Because the pain will end.
Because there will be others.
Because I will survive.

The next time my heart breaks,
It will not break my soul.

Day 174

An Ending

I tried to love you
The way that I should
With all of my heart
I gave what I could.
At the end of it all
It just wasn't enough
Now is the time that
I call my own bluff.
It would be easy to stay
To see this thing through
To stay right here
To say I love you.
The ache in my bones
The tears in my heart
Won't let me sit by
As I've done from the start.
My heart it is breaking
For what I must do
Say that you know
What I say is true.
That our story has ended
As all good ones do.

Day 173

Sing To Me

Your words surround me with 1,000 arms.
Drawing me in
Embracing me
Comforting me.
Your voice washes over me, warm as the sun.
Melting into me
Filling me
Evoking me.

I wish your words were my own.
I long to be the one you sing to.

Day 172

The ocean looks onEncroaching tides beckon all
Frightening the soul.

Day 171

The Pledge

I want to be there when the rain falls,
When the walls cave in
And the nightmares call.

I want to be there when you face your fears,
When the struggle is so hard
You're overwhelmed with tears.

I want to be there when you break through,
When the sun warms your eyes
And you become you.

I want to be there when the sun shines,
When the pain dries up
And your soul thrives.

Day 170

I thought I'd go with another Throwback Thursday post. I found this one in my archives. I have no idea when I wrote it. To be completely honest... I'm not even quite sure what it was about. :) What do you think?

listening to the heartbeats

of the time that passes by.

they give a shot at

laughing

not letting the heartbeats

cry

pretending in the silence

that only the outside sees

they shiver for the

frightening time

that heartbeats long to seize.

Day 169

What Happens

When the excitement fades?
When all of the joy has vanished?
When there is nothing left to learn?
When all you can see if more of the same?

Day 168

Lifetimes of War

The war is upon us.
The battle has begun.
The fight was started years ago,
Before night, moon and sun.

Each side is determined
To prove their way is right
By force, violence and killing
Til no one's left to fight.

They see no other way
To rid the world of hate,
For hate is what they feel the most,
And peace will have to wait.

Left covered in the dust,
The people standing by
Who long only to live in peace
Without fearing they'll die.

What will make them change their ways?
When will they see the truth?
When will they stop and come to see
They are massacring the youth?

Day 167

Nostalgia

Flipping through the loose pages, bound books and scraps of paper
Containing a lifetime of thoughts, musings and feelings,
The words become clear,
The path becomes obvious,
The person becomes strong.
I am who I always was and
Who I always will be.
The words chosen are different,
But the message is the same.

Day 166

While looking for another poem today, I came across this and thought I'd share. This was written sometime near the end of August 1990. It's silly. It's lighthearted. But it also speaks to the 'Soldier" series. Enjoy! :)


Ode to Basic Training

Here I sit all alone
No answer on the telephone.
Basic training ain't all that bad,
But there are some things I wish I had,
Like candy bars and soda, too,
Hairspray till my hair is glue,
A hug from Joe,
Somewhere else to go,
A private shower,
To hear, "I've Got The Power!",
My Porsche (Chevette),
To hear someone say, "I've gotta jet",
To sing real loud, not in cadence,
And to say "hello" to all of my friends!

Day 165

Money

Purveyor of evil
Refuge in desert
With it, you can die
Without it, you can't live
Steal it
Earn it
Spend it
Keep it
What you do with it
Is what it does with you.

Day 164

Lurking

In the shadows, I wait.
You will pass me by without knowing.
I watch as you continue on your way,
Oblivious to my desires.
I wait.
You are not the thing I want.

Day 163

For a friend going through an incredibly challenging time.
 

A Polished Pebble

Tumbling
Falling
Rolling
Bumping
Twisting
Grinding
Chipping

Rough ragged edges
One by one chipped away
Revealing a hard, smooth shell
Until the last one falls away
And the radiant surface
Is no longer obstructed
But glistens and gleams in the sunshine
And everyone dances in its warmth.

Day 162

This might be the last installment of this piece. I'm not entirely sure.

Soldier (part 4)

The days were filled
With daily chores,
Like any other job.
We toiled.
We maintained.
We waited.
The task of running an army was unending.
The days long.
The satisfactions few.

Strangers became family
While family became strangers.
The familiar routine of home.
The smell of a Christmas tree,
A walk to a friends house,
An afternoon bike ride that lasted until dinner,
All distant memories.
Replaced by the new routine of our new home.
A 6am formation.
An ironed uniform.
A morning march.
The occasional prying eyes of a general's inspection.

Normal
Fall in.
Friends made
Friends lost
Attention.
Love found
Love broken
Dress right dress.
Day in
Day out
Forward march.
Normal.

We no longer feared anything.
We had each other.

Day 161

I can tell this one is going to take me a long time to feel like I'm finished with it.

Soldier (part 3)

The war began the week we arrived.
We would need to be on constant alert.
Always vigilant.
Always prepared.
Always guarded.
Never knowing what would come.
Our collective consciousness forever on high alert.
Every fear we've ever had on the verge of realization.

Day 160

This is the second part of Day 159, "Soldier".  There will be additional parts to this as well. So far, I like where it's going.

Soldier (Part 2)

They taught us everything we needed to know.
We learned how to walk in perfectly straight lines that stretched out to the
front & back
and to the
left & right.
We learned how to eat,
how to shower,
how to sleep,
how to wake up.
We learned how to conform,
how to climb,
how to crawl,
how to run.
We learned how to shoot,
how to fight,
how to speak
how to balance a check book.
We learned how to take responsibility,
not only for our own actions,
but for the actions of those around us,
how to be selfless,
how to sacrifce,
how to help each other.

What they didn't/couldn't teach us was
how to be human.
What they didn't teach us was
how to follow their rules
yet be who we were.
What they didn't teach us was
what it would be like to
live this life while
keeping our pasts near.
What they didn't teach us was
how to handle the constant struggle of
being a person, an individual with
feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas and opinions against
how to be a soldier.

Day 159

I'm pretty sure this is going to be a two-parter. I like the way it's beginning, but there is so much more to this story; the next chapter.

Soldier

It would be years before I understood
The depths and the meaning
Of my choice.
At that moment, I only knew
I was leaving home.
It would be hard.
My life would change.

It would be months before I understood
My new place in the world,
My obligations.
At that moment, I only knew
I would learn things.
I would not be able to leave.
My life was no longer mine.

It would be weeks before I found out
My entire existence before this
Would evaporate.
At that moment, I only knew
I was scared.
I had no choice.
My life was never really my own.

It would be days before I knew
I had made a terrible mistake,
Relinquishing everything.
When that moment came, I knew
I did not belong.
I wanted to leave.
My life was at their mercy.

Day 158

I had a notion for this one. It didn't quite come out the way I wanted it, and I'm not sure how to get it there. For now, this will have to do. 

Right Here

I've been right here.
You just haven't looked my way.
I've been reaching out to you,
But you never heard my cries.
How can our love ever grow
When you don't acknowledge I exist?
How can we ever be one
When we were never a two?
All I want is your attention
To make me feel like a person.
All I want is our emotions
To make me know I'm loved.

Day 157

Intergrity

I will never regret taking the high road.
I will never lose sleep from doing the right thing.
I will never give in to the negativity.
I will not let you bring me down.
I will be the better person.

Day 156

The anger seething beneath the surface
numbs.
It has yet to truly reveal itself as its the monster of
destruction it is.
It can only be suppressed for so long before it
erupts.
Until then, the lava runs smooth beneath the surface.
Waiting.

Day 155

Queazy

Uneasy about the outcome
That is inevitable
The sinking feeling of disaster
That persists
Things out of your control
That go wrong.

Day 154

When the time comes to change,
The decision can be hard.
When you set aside the pain,
The path to chose becomes clear.
When you focus on the gain,
The loss becomes irrelevant.

When the time comes to grow,
The water may be scarce.
When you nourish the things you know,
The arid dirt becomes sand on the beach.
When you no longer take it slow,
The road before you will emerge.

Day 153

Emptiness

They didn't warn her about the loneliness.
They just left.
Without a word.
Now, as she stands there
Staring down the empty hallway,
A glass of wine in one hand,
A tissue in the other,
She struggles to process
How to walk,
To move forward
Down the silent hallway.
No doors opening and slamming.
No TV blaring through the walls.
No screaming.
No murmur of a muffled one-sided conversation.

Just.

Silence.

Closed doors.

And silence.

Day 152

The Crush

He just stood there,
Amazed by her beauty.
It was the kind that even Helen would've envied.
His entire being filled with
The flutters of a million butterflies.
He played the movie of here laughter
Over and over in his head.
Her head thrown back,
Her hair shuffling softly against her shoulders.
He convinced himself she was a goddess.
Her inevitable denial
Unbearable.
He just stood there.
Colossus.
One foot on solid ground.
One on chance.
He could not stand idly by
While she sailed away, out from under him,
Unaware of his love.
He would need to
Act. Speak. Move.
She certainly could not love him like this.
He tried to go to her.
The butterflies panicked.
They were happy right where they were.
He just stood there.
Paralyzed.
Mute.
Dizzy.
Sick with fear, passion, anger
As she walked away. 
He just stood there.