Day 51

This is a continuation of Day 50.

Closure

They walked me to the shore and sat me down on a boulder there.
The tide had not yet come in.
I watched the water creeping closer to me, inch by inch.
Waves were forming and collapsing in on themselves.

Someone handed me a letter, a check and a pen.
What's this?
It's the payment and the approval. Sign it so the process can begin.

I bundled the papers in one hand without looking at them, the pen in the other
And looked back to the water.
It had reached my feet.
I stood.

Someone presented me a book, open to a page with a calendar.
My name.
Tomorrow. It will happen tomorrow.
I see.

I walked into the water, far enough to feel the pressure of the tide on my legs.
I let myself fall backwards,
Caught and cushioned by the waves.
The water surrounded, blanketed and protected me from the chaos that would ensue.
Sounds muffled.
Lights blurred.

I began to remember that the check, the paper and the pen were still in my hands.
I unfolded myself from the blanket and went back to shore.

Leaving the shore behind, I sought resolve
To the things that had eaten away at my soul.

I searched for a phone number.
It took several tries before I found the one.
What to say when you can only say one thing?
Hang up.

I headed for the desk to reveal to the clerk the truths that had been holed up in me.
I didn't know where to start, what to ask, what to say.
They did not understand what I wanted.They could not help me.

Moments before, I had met his eyes.
Eyes that I had to walk away from.
Eyes that I would not soon forget.

Confusion and distraction and guilt and worry and sadness
Gnawed at me.
I could not relieve the anxiety,
The fear that I would never be able to fix the wrongs, share the rights.

Unable to fulfill my goal, I went back to the shore and watched as the waters receded.The check, the paper and the pen were still in my hands.
Waiting.